Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Blonde - Part 3

# Thanks Priyanka for helping me pen this one and help give flow to my thoughts and ideas. This last part would not have been possible without you. The looooooooooooong break didnt help me much. But all thanks to her, i have been able to post the concluding part of this series. And have shaken the rust off me too.....Am Back!! Cheers!! And a million apologies to all my readers for the delay.

Swami just could not believe in his luck today. He had always been one of those desperate kinds whose idea of a perfect day started and ended with only one requirement: ‘A Girl’. School, college and now job, Swami had left no stone unturned to try his chance at any living being belonging to the ‘XX’ species. But luck had always deserted him. He had been positioned as the most desperate guy on planet and girls avoided him like plague.

He had even once joined a crash course in dating named ‘Way to woo’ to get a few tips on impressing the opposite sex. The so called institute claimed a success rate of 99%. Without realising that it were souls like him who fell into that 1% category, he religiously followed all tips he learned, but to no avail. On the last day of the course was given the master tip – ‘Don’t give a damn!’ While all other tips focussed on taking steps to show interest in a girl, this was the anti and was given in the end if everything else had failed. This was because of the risk involved in its implementation. It had a very simple strategy – Just to show that you are ‘not interested’!! A ‘successful’ acquaintance had told Swami how different strategies worked with different girls, and how this master strategy worked with almost all. Showing some interest initially followed by steps like ‘Will meet later…’ or ‘I am busy/sleepy/tired…will talk later…’ etc worked wonders many a times. But not for Swami. The only girl from his college who had showed a little interest in him never called back after Swami gave her his ‘I am busy’ dose.

But today seemed to be his day, and he wanted to leave no chance to turn the day into ‘THE’ day. His phone beeped. His boss had messaged him the flight details of Christy. It would scheduled to land at the Mumbai airport in 3 hours. He rushed to the medical shop on the other side o f the road to pick "IT" up. He would need it for sure for Americans are very particular about using protection. Swami did not want his not having one to spoil his chances for the night. "Bhaiya, ek packet dena toh zara", he approached the chemist, blushing away to glory. "Ek kya doon? Headache hain or cold?", enquired the chemist. Swami had turned all red, "Nahi. I need joh use karna chaahiye." He stopped abrubtly while asking for it when he saw a girl approaching the counter. He waited for a good 20 minutes waiting for her to leave the shop. He started fiddling with the bottles kept at the counter. Swami could not get himself to ask for it. Managing to muster all courage he had, he decided that he would ask it without any hitches this time and cleared his throat for the same. At that very moment Mr. Ramamoorthy, one of his colleagues who stayed in the same society, came in asking for a thermometer. He greeted Swami with a smile. Swami was getting nervous now. The shopkeeper got the hint now what he wanted. "You want a packet of condom Sir. Aap log bhi naa. Itna sharmaate kyun hain!! Wait, i will just give it to you”. Swami was left red faced. He looked sheepishly towards Mr. Ramamoorthy who gave him a wink. The chemist packed "IT" for Swami into a brown packet.

This adventure of his had robbed him of half an hour. He had no time to rush to office to arrange for the cab and pick up other details of Christy. He anyways had her flight details and knew her name. He rushed home and started changing. Swami picked up his best clothes, shaved twice, applied gel on hair and emptied half a bottle of perfume over him. He checked the side pocket of his pants to make sure that he had not forgotten “IT”. He smiled and blushed at the thought of all the naughty things he would do with Christy, if the day turned out to be extraordinarily lucky for him. He observed himself from top to bottom in the mirror for whole 15 mins from different angles. When satisfied, he left for the airport to reach there an hour before the scheduled time. After all, he needed at least this much time to settle in and prepare himself for welcoming Christy. He had to decide whether to go for a full fledged embrace and kiss or keep it soft and corporate style after taking a look at the crowd at the airport. He had got his own car to pick up Christy, since he was running short on time and had also not collected the placard which had the name of the delegate coming from the office receptionist. Now, at the airport, he had already started dreaming of Christy. He just couldn’t stop smiling at himself thinking of this sudden unexpected bout of kindness from the almighty. His thoughts were now running wild. He had painted the complete picture of Christy in his mind – 5’11”, extremely fair, blonde, curvaceous and with sharp features. He was almost sweating with excitement. He wondered if only thoughts had such an effect on him, what would happen when he would see her actually. Almost instinctively, his hand reached his pocket to make sure he was carrying ‘IT’, just in case the need arises.

The airport was swarming with people and Swami was having a great time ‘window shopping’ the pretty faces and bodies, especially the foreign babes who were a rare feast for his thirsty eyes. He felt like exchanging jobs with the airport checking staff who seemed blessed to him with the luxury of being ‘so close’ to such hot babes throughout the day, and night. Job reminded him of how important Christy as a client was for the firm, and hence promised himself to keep his desperation and desire below a threshold level, at least initially. But the many stories that he had heard from his friends in the States about the ‘open minded’ gals there made him sure enough that Christy would be an easy catch.

Swami made a makeshift placard on a sheet and wrote “Christy” in black bold letters. He checked his watch. Just 5 more minutes left for the arrival. He made some final adjustments, tucked in his shirt for the millionth time, adjusted his specs, arranged his hair and checked whether he smelt good. The screen flashed the announcement that the flight had landed. Swami was getting nervous by the minute. Christy would walk straight into his arms any moment now. 20 more minutes passed. The passengers from Christy’s flight had started walking out of the arrival gate after completing the formalities. Swami wiped away the sweat from his forehead. His heartbeats had gone up. He was clutching his fists trying to hold the excitement. He was now anxiously waiting and eyeing all hot foreign babes to find ‘his’ gal. “Aaaaah….there she is!!” he exclaimed. His eyes rested on a beautiful blonde who completely fitted the picture of his imaginations. Tall, fair, gorgeous, naughty eyes and wearing a tube top with a mini skirt, she was looking ravishing. She had a corporate feel about her as well. The way she walked confidently came from her position. This had to be Christy. He held up the placard he had made for her. Swami’s felt his heart would burst out any moment. He had never felt it beat so fast. His view of Christy was being obstructed by a fat ugly guy walking right in front of her who was struggling to find his way through the crowd. Swami said to himself, “My…my….God does make some unique samples…I tell you. Ten Christy’s can hide behind this huge boulder. Is he a man or a mountain? God is strange….on one hand he creates someone as divine as Christy and on the other hand he overburdens this place by creating fatties like these”. He thanked God for blessing him the most beautiful of his creations.

The blonde seemed to be stuck behind the fat guy. She seemed to be in a hurry to get out of the airport, but with this fat guy moving slowly right in front of her she had no choice but to slow down. The fat guy looked a confused soul. He was looking around for help. Both he and the sexy lady were now heading in Swami’s direction. His heart started beating even faster; he firmly held the placard reading ‘Christy’ and waited anxiously to kiss her on both cheeks. In the matter of those few seconds, all his fantasies and desires came rushing back and were on the penultimate point, when at last moment, the lady turned in another direction. That very moment, the fat guy turned around and accidentally hit the blonde on her nose. He apologised instantly and the blonde gave back a forced smile. Swami felt the adrenaline rushing in his veins. He could not let go off this opportunity to impress Christy. He rushed forward and caught the fat guy by his collar.

Swami started shouting at the top of his voice, “You fat son of a bi*&h!! Trying to harass this beauty. How dare you? Do you have any idea who she is?? Have you heard of the US telecom giants? US Tele!! Ya…you heard it right. She is our guest here from US Tele. Say sorry to Christy or else I will make you rub your fat nose on those sexy sandals she is wearing” Swami stopped midway and turned to the lady. He gave the blonde a full toothed smile, “Hi Gorgeous. Relax. I will take care of this guinea pig. I am here to protect you from such scoundrels. We won’t let US Tele down! You are our esteemed guest. It’s anticipating such spoilsports here that my boss has sent me personally to escort you to safety” The blonde gave him a strange expression and walked away in the opposite direction. Swami was amused and tried to call her back, “Christy...Christy…Christyyyy”. She moved on. At that very moment, he felt a hand on his shoulders and a voice accompanied the hand, "Hi..I am Christy".

Swami turned around to get the shock of his life! It was the same fat guy whom he had seen trailing the sexy lady, whose collar he had just held!! His heart skipped a beat and all colours vanished from his face. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Even before he could react or curse his damn luck, Christy extended his hand forward feverishly. Swami sheepishly shook hands and the fat man spoke, "Christy here...Christopher Smith. From US Tele. I need to speak to your boss right now!!”


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Guess Whoz Back!! Yes..Me...The Crack!!

I am alive....I am alive.....I am alive. I was told when i was a small kid that repeating something three times makes you completely sure of the same. So if you had to win that race against all the odds, you had to sharpen your self belief by chanting to yourself, I can win...i can win...I can win. As simple as that. So if you want me to go back to my coffin, all you have to do is mention...Go back you jerk...Go back you jerk...go back you jerk, in the comments section. He he....

Brain Dead....Inactive.....and decomposing.....that was what i was literally feeling after staying away from this place i call my second home for good 2 months. Oh my god...I have been dead for almost 2 months. Staying away from all those friends whom i may not know in person, but i for sure have seen their soul in their works. Staying away from all those gems these friends unearth and post for the world to admire. Good that you all did not hand over the body for post mortem or else i would never have got the chance to spring back to life again.

Work......Travelling....Loads of it....and a lil laziness......three drugs i was injecting myself with every single day....for the last two months. I had transformed into an addict, snorting in work & travel on weekdays....and smoking out laziness, letting out perfectly shaped rings on weekends. When the things had got out of control and excessive smoking of laziness had started showing cancerous developments in the brain, i stamped my feet and shouted out loud, "Enough of this addiction...Time for some fiction!!"

And here I am.......Back.......And here to stay....Never to fart.....errrr...part!!

Missed being with all of you......Feels great to be back.....There will never ever be a dull moment with this Crack!! Cheers!!!

Psssssst......Blonde 3 to see sunshine tomm....finally.....kindly re-read the earlier two episodes to get back into the so sorry for the inconvenience caused ;-)