Monday, December 28, 2009

Pentagon Speaks - Placements (II)


I am the Pentagon reporting from the School of Management. Yes...Yes...we had our first round of introductions in the last post. A lot has happened in the last 10 days. I have become popular amongst you all. I have also featured prominently on Channel V's "Dare to Date" this Friday, supporting the weight of two dumb souls. And all the while I was thinking that I am located in a B-School and could feature only on CNBC's of the world like I have in the past. You can still catch me on the re-runs of the last episode of the show on Channel V till the next one goes on air the coming Friday. So be tuned in to Channel V. For all those who missed, catch the episode HERE. And no, that guy is not from the School of Management. Infact, we don't have a BBA course here! Lies media blurt out for locations!

Things at the School of Management are a bit tensed at present. With the first leg of placements over, and the end terms taking over, we are heading towards the most tense period and the last leg of placements. A relaxed 2010 for some, and a tense, make or break 2010 for the less fortunate souls.

Continuing from where I left in the last post, where I helped categorize students who have been placed/are in the process of being placed into different universal categories, comes my next post. We unraveled the mystery of one category and will lift the veil of a new cateogry in this post. Understanding what goes behind the transformation of these normal batchmates of yours into superheroes. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental

  • Category 2: IT (Impotent Tigers)
The less fortunate. The tensed lot. The dreamers who live a thousand dreams the night before the placement process. But companies need the real thing. Dreams alone do not satisfy a salivating company. This lot is clueless on "How to satisfy" a company and are usually seen taking every bit of advice from the fertile ones. Generally, 40% of every batch suffer from this common disease.

The identity and status of this bunch is revealed on the first night itself. Like in all arranged marriages, where your snaps can transport you all the way to the altar but from there its your ability to please your wife after the ceremonies that determines the course of your married life. This category of students manage to reach the altar to tie the knot with their prospective employer on the swayamvar stage, basis the strength of their CV's. But more often than not, they fizzle out when it c
omes to stamina and style, when the company "makes out"* with them for the first time. (*To be read as "Group Discussions Leg")

Like all heartbroken "would be" rejected prospects, they desperately seek divine blessings and stamina increasing capsules in the form of advises to leave their mark in the rannbhoomi, but the fear of performing when it matters most consumes them in its wake. You can identify the students from this category if you watch out for the following signs:

  • Clean shaven and upbeat on days when the company is on campus, bearded and forlorn look at all other times
  • The one who is there at every process for their friends, and breaks out into wild celebrations the moment the news of their placement reaches him. When alone, curses their good luck and his fate at not being at his place.
  • Looks towards the sky while sipping tea, as if searching for answers from the cosmic being
  • Dialogues like, "I am not worth it", "I am useless", "Mera kuch nahi ho sakta", "Kismat hi footi huvi hain", "What on earth does the company want?", "Why me?", "I was the best out there, still they selected him and not me"
Pentagon's advice to this lot. Don't change your style based on recommendations/advises from the guru's/baba's* of your batch (*to be read as "placed batchmates"). Their tablets won't help you in any way. Use your natural style and be at it. There are companies out there who love impotency. Just wait for your time. The high expectations ones were never meant for dreamers. Those babes are high on maintenance. But yes, keep practicing that start-stop mechanism and see loads of X-rated movies* (* to be read as "Keep yourself updated on current topics by reading newspapers") to build up on the stamina to prepare yourself. Keep yourself oiled for that all important night. Whenever it comes. It will come for sure. Pentagon da promise.

Always remember my words: Impotency can be cured. Pessimism can't.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Pentagon Speaks - Placements

Hi. I am the Pentagon. The Pentagon at the School of Management. Yes, the pentagon! The center point. The meeting point. The eating point. The mating point* (Conditions apply). I see. I reflect. I absorb. I analyze. I scrutinize. I wonder. I squirm. I yell. I scream. I Celebrate. I Cry. I know it all. I am the Pentagon. The one who sees it all. The one who is better placed than a MBA, and placed in a MBA college. A prestigious one for that matter (*Challenges to these claims are Subject to Delhi Jurisdication)

From the thin ones to the fatso's, from the hot ones to the utter disgusting ones, from the pervert ones trembling with excitement to the ones sweating before placement interviews, from the joint ones to the aching ones; I have seen them* all, supported them* all (*to be read as "bums"). I have braved scorching summers and numbing winters to tell tales of batch after batch, wave after wave. Well, more about me later. Let me get into the current mood of the campus and analyze the package fever and profile hunger that has gripped the current batch, like dozens before them. "That time of the year" is back on campus. So, I decided to start off with placements in my first interaction with the outside world and inside pentagon warmers.

In the first few posts, I will help categorize students who have been placed/are in the process of being placed into different universal categories. We will unravel the mysteries of one category every post and understand what goes behind the transformation of these normal batchmates of yours into superheroes. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental

  • Category 1: Premature Ejaculation Heroes
The paupers turned heroes/heroines. This category of students climax before the third company arrives on campus. 5% of every MBA batch suffers from this syndrome approximately, out of which 1% manage to hit and seed their offspring in the companies womb.

These select bunch stand apart, not only getting richer by many lakhs in the form of a placement offer but also turn preachers and consultants for their "yet-to-be-placed" 99% batchmates, transforming what was an accident by design into a planned, goal oriented approach.
For an outsider, you can differentiate these elite bunch from the rest by these following signs:
  • Usually surrounded with a group of people.
  • The only one speaking in the group of students trembling with fear.
  • Animatedly gesturing and explaining things to wonder eyed juniors.
  • If you overhear someone speaking these lines, then he/she is definitely from the premature ejaculation category: "I always wanted to be in this company", "Fulfilled a long cherished dream", "Just plain lucky, but yaa...I always knew I would make it", "Read Economic Times, like i do", "This is how you should approach your interviews", "Companies look for candidates who are....", "Just be yourself. And the company should be able to see these qualities in"
These select bunch carry on these medallions of "first ones to be placed" like lifetime achievement awards and tend to associate everything that follows afterwards with this achievement of theirs. Few examples would be, "Ofcourse I know. XYZ did not take me just like that!", when challenged in discussions, Active involvement in group presentations with statements like, "The flow of this presentation is not right bro. It should be like this....", pick up line with cute/handsome juniors like, "Hi. Mohini here. The one who got placed with Not-So-Smart Rhombus. Ya, the first dont embarass me. It was just sheer luck. But, do read Economic times regularly. It helps. You need to gear up for the rigors next year. By the way, why not discuss it over coffee??"

This VIP status also helps them decimate competition when it comes to wooing outsiders and win a brownie point against potential competition. An example to help you understand this better. Say, Aashish who has already been placed sees Jiggy chatting away to glory with a hot girl from the neighborhood college. If he wishes, he can always go one up and even win the attention of the girl with a simple line like, "Hi Jiggy! Was searching for you buddy. I got the offer letter today boss. By the way, I heard you have not been shortlisted for Cheap Chemicals. Not to worry bro. Everyone has a day *glances at the hot girl besides Jiggy* Hey...Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

Hats off to the Premature Ejaculation Heroes.

Next post for the dissection and analysis of a new category.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

News Article: Was The Hacking a Statistical Attack?

*Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction and a figment of writers imagination*

Dec 1, 2009
Qutab Institutional Area, New Delhi

In a shocking turn of events, what was being touted as the most intelligent and purposeful hacking ever carried out on the site of an educational site is now turning out to be an act of rivalry carried out with meticulous perfection. The truth was unearthed by a team of experts who could see traces of regression, ANOVA and t-test in the patterns of photos that were uploaded on the new site of this college. This startling discovery paved way for a sudden twist to this now famous case, taking the suspicion off Mr. Saurabh Baju to the statistical tools expert, Mr. Haar-NO Bindra.

"Hacking my foot! I only know how hard it was to code when I was working, and this hacking is way out of my league! I was holidaying and cooling my brains in the heat of Jaipur after putting in my heart and soul into this new site for more than a month. A well deserved break I call it. And what 70% photos are you talking of? I am there in only 3 photos out of two dozen on the site, a clear sign that regression was applied while planting this. And there is only a single guy in the batch who uses these statistical tools where it is least required, like it were running out of fashion. And that is my very good friend, Mr. Haar-NO Bindra", said a visibly shocked Mr. Baju, the co-coordinator of the Brandy Cell, who was apparently greeted with lot of loud cheers and a heroic welcome on his return to college today. A closer analysis at the patterns of photographs appearing on the site clearly show that Factorial ANOVA has been used by the hacker to find the effect of two independent variables, Baju and college.

A first year student from the college, Mr. P.K. Talli gave us some more insights, "Haar-NO is a dear friend of mine. heard it wrong.....Not "Hor-Ny"'s "Haar-No" bengali accent makes it sound like Hor-Ny most of the times. Haar-No's grasp over all the subjects amazed me the very first day I interacted with him. Its only when I read my marketing and statistics text books for the mid-term, that the realization dawned on me that Haar-No had explained something completely different from what was written here and made no sense whatsoever. Nonetheless, I thought that maybe the college imbibes in you this skill of developing your own theories and thereby letting you widen the scope of existing models. I got it that very day that he is destined for great things. I remember him telling me that one thing he hates most is DISCO experience holders. He even helped me explain why, by sketching out an elaborate model on how DISCO directly opposed the 4P's of setting up a Brandy Cell. Though I was watching porn when he was presenting the idea to my batch, I supported him for the Brandy Cell. Ofcourse there was a need for one because of the distance between the college and border where we get it cheaper, wherein the germ of the idea was born. But Bindra started sensing competition in Baju, who worked his ass out to make it a reality. Who on earth would have known that Haar-No would keep that in mind and apply all the statistics that he uses right from deciding on what to have for breakfast to which bedsheet to use in cracking this sinister plot? Imagine the genius of a guy who uses Marketing mix model, which is often used to optimize promotional tactics with respect to profit, in day to day life by using it time and again in all the discussions with Professors. No wonder he fares well in all CP. Some jealous souls call it DCP, but I feel it requires great skill, patience and planned approach, which is commendable. Such a genius plot which requires great knowledge of statistical tools and promotional marketing could have been cracked by the one and only, Mr. Haar-No Bindra".

Mr. Haar-No Bindra was not available for comment. Neither has an official declaration been made by the brandy cell despite wonder eyed junior girls, who made a big sacrifice by skipping the afternoon Ranbir Kapoor movie, doing a demonstration outside the Cell demanding justice for Mr. Baju. All the single senior guys participated in this demonstration whole-heartedly outside the college, while the single junior guys were strictly asked by FCD to remain in their classes or else get their names striked out of summer placements.

yeM yeS Swaminathan
yeM Bee yAe Campus News Correspondent