Wednesday, December 2, 2009

News Article: Was The Hacking a Statistical Attack?

*Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction and a figment of writers imagination*

Dec 1, 2009
Qutab Institutional Area, New Delhi

In a shocking turn of events, what was being touted as the most intelligent and purposeful hacking ever carried out on the site of an educational site is now turning out to be an act of rivalry carried out with meticulous perfection. The truth was unearthed by a team of experts who could see traces of regression, ANOVA and t-test in the patterns of photos that were uploaded on the new site of this college. This startling discovery paved way for a sudden twist to this now famous case, taking the suspicion off Mr. Saurabh Baju to the statistical tools expert, Mr. Haar-NO Bindra.

"Hacking my foot! I only know how hard it was to code when I was working, and this hacking is way out of my league! I was holidaying and cooling my brains in the heat of Jaipur after putting in my heart and soul into this new site for more than a month. A well deserved break I call it. And what 70% photos are you talking of? I am there in only 3 photos out of two dozen on the site, a clear sign that regression was applied while planting this. And there is only a single guy in the batch who uses these statistical tools where it is least required, like it were running out of fashion. And that is my very good friend, Mr. Haar-NO Bindra", said a visibly shocked Mr. Baju, the co-coordinator of the Brandy Cell, who was apparently greeted with lot of loud cheers and a heroic welcome on his return to college today. A closer analysis at the patterns of photographs appearing on the site clearly show that Factorial ANOVA has been used by the hacker to find the effect of two independent variables, Baju and college.

A first year student from the college, Mr. P.K. Talli gave us some more insights, "Haar-NO is a dear friend of mine. No....no...you heard it wrong.....Not "Hor-Ny".....it's "Haar-No"....my bengali accent makes it sound like Hor-Ny most of the times. Haar-No's grasp over all the subjects amazed me the very first day I interacted with him. Its only when I read my marketing and statistics text books for the mid-term, that the realization dawned on me that Haar-No had explained something completely different from what was written here and made no sense whatsoever. Nonetheless, I thought that maybe the college imbibes in you this skill of developing your own theories and thereby letting you widen the scope of existing models. I got it that very day that he is destined for great things. I remember him telling me that one thing he hates most is DISCO experience holders. He even helped me explain why, by sketching out an elaborate model on how DISCO directly opposed the 4P's of setting up a Brandy Cell. Though I was watching porn when he was presenting the idea to my batch, I supported him for the Brandy Cell. Ofcourse there was a need for one because of the distance between the college and border where we get it cheaper, wherein the germ of the idea was born. But Bindra started sensing competition in Baju, who worked his ass out to make it a reality. Who on earth would have known that Haar-No would keep that in mind and apply all the statistics that he uses right from deciding on what to have for breakfast to which bedsheet to use in cracking this sinister plot? Imagine the genius of a guy who uses Marketing mix model, which is often used to optimize promotional tactics with respect to profit, in day to day life by using it time and again in all the discussions with Professors. No wonder he fares well in all CP. Some jealous souls call it DCP, but I feel it requires great skill, patience and planned approach, which is commendable. Such a genius plot which requires great knowledge of statistical tools and promotional marketing could have been cracked by the one and only, Mr. Haar-No Bindra".

Mr. Haar-No Bindra was not available for comment. Neither has an official declaration been made by the brandy cell despite wonder eyed junior girls, who made a big sacrifice by skipping the afternoon Ranbir Kapoor movie, doing a demonstration outside the Cell demanding justice for Mr. Baju. All the single senior guys participated in this demonstration whole-heartedly outside the college, while the single junior guys were strictly asked by FCD to remain in their classes or else get their names striked out of summer placements.

-
yeM yeS Swaminathan
yeM Bee yAe Campus News Correspondent

5 comments:

Priyanka said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dhanya said...

A wonderful post again Mr. Balan. Whaate writing talent, sir ji! :D

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