Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A day in my life(Muthuswamy Namboodiri)


I woke up with a start. I was sweating all over. The same old recurring dream of a yakshi(spirit) chasing me. It was around 4:30 in the morning. I glanced at my watch to confirm the same. It showed 10. Damn. I banged it twice and wound it again. This antique piece had been gifted to me by my late grandfather. The dial had cracks which made it impossible to check the hands of the watch. But I had mastered the art of using this antique. Poor thing was desperately shouting for retirement but I had turned a deaf ear towards it. How could I afford a new watch when I could hardly make ends meet here in Delhi? I would send most of my earnings back home, which left me with pretty little to indulge myself. I headed towards my old tape recorder set I had brought along with me from Krishnapuram. This was my most prized possession. It had been with me right from my school days. Days when we were well off and could afford such luxuries. We were one of the first families in Krishnapuram to own one. I would proudly turn it on and play it in maximum volume. It still manages to give a decent output. I inserted the tape and turned it on. Music filled my one room setting in Mayur Sarai. My mind relaxed in the soothing music.

"Kausalyasuprajarama purva sandhya pravartate, uttistha narasardula kartavyam daivam ahnikam…Nava Suprabhatam…….."
(O! Rama! Kausalya's auspicious child! Twilight is approaching in the East. O! best of men (Purushottama)! Wake up, the divine daily rituals have to be performed.)

"Muthuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! Muthu you fool…..are you bloody deaf to play this on full volume at such unearthly hour. Everyday I have to go through this ordeal. Enough is enough. Ufffff….What the hell Muthu anna?? God Swamy…you are impossible….Grrrrrrrr", growled Ibrahim. Ibrahim shares the room with me. Shouting at me in the morning has become a habit for him. Poor Ibrahim. Three sisters to marry off back home in Mangalapurram keeps him on toes. Toils day in and day out at the motor workshop here. Khan Saab was gracious enough to train him and accommodate him in his workshop. Good man. It was because of him that I could land a job at the Udupi restaurant opposite the School of Management in Qutab Institutional Area. I had given up all hopes of getting a job and was preparing myself to leave Delhi when Ibrahim asked me to meet Khan Saab. And here I am today. Cleaning tables and picking up leftovers at the Udupi Restaurant.

"Muthuuuuuuuuuuuu….Come out….Will you take an eternity to bath? It's already 5:30 you fool. I have to deliver the car at Tripathi's house at 7 am. Will you come out or should I barge in?", Ibrahim shouted. You had to be very punctual with all the stuff which requires water here at Mayur Sarai. The municipality water comes only from 4:30 to 6:30 in the morning and then in the evening. Evening timings don't matter to us because at that time we are slogging it out at our respective workplaces. The music was still playing. Though Ibrahim would shout and curse me for playing Suprabhatam every day, he never ever switched it off. He knew that this was one thing that transported me back to my home at Krishnapuram and respected it. Ibrahim was good at heart. After my bath, I would head straight to the Shiv temple nearby on an empty stomach and sit there for an hour chanting hymns and offering prayers. I followed this like a ritual everyday. This was one thing that had been ingrained in me at a young age. I would apologize to god for lying to my parents and keeping them in dark about my occupation here. I would again plead almighty not to send me or my family to hell for deviating from a Brahmins path and picking up leftovers and cleaning tables at a restaurant. I would confide in God all my fears and feel light at heart. I would then head back home. Selecting a shirt to work was not a tough job for me because I was never spoilt for choices. I had only two pairs which made the decision easier. I would continue putting one till the other one would dry up. Three shirts was a luxury to me. Ash smeared on my forehead, I would head to the Udupi restaurant. The place which is the reason my family sees a new sunrise everyday. The place which is synonymous to a temple for me.

Ramakrishna Iyer, the owner of the hotel, or Iyer Saar as I prefer calling him keeps telling me that I bring in an authentic south Indian feel to his setup. My day starts off with cleaning all tables and dusting the seats. I then dust the restaurant and clean the kitchen. I bathe once again at the restaurant after this and then proceed to make the traditional rangoli with rice powder outside our restaurant. By 8 am students start trickling in. You start off cleaning tables and then graduate to taking orders within 2-3 years. That's when there is scope of some extra earnings as you land up some tips. And you land up plum tips from guys trying to impress gals on their dates. The School of management students do like hanging out here in between lectures. I have learnt distinguishing guys keen on impressing the opposite sex from the other lot. I hope this will help me when I do get promoted to taking orders. Iyer Saar is a good man. He has never slapped or hit me. He only goes to the extent of scolding me in front of customers if I get late in cleaning the tables. Earlier the abuses used to hurt, but it is fine because the customer perceives that he is treated important here. Good for the business. I used to leave my plates for the maids to attend to back in my Illam. I used to treat them very bad. Maybe God wanted me to learn. Maybe God wanted me to be considerate.

The first day I cleaned the tables, I could feel a tear trickling down my cheeks. This was my karma. But I am proud that I work. I don't laze around and am take care of my family. Any work, done with dedication is like offering your prayers to God. I don't care if my ancestors sitting up in heaven despise me for falling down to this state. I don't care if I will ever be considered an outcaste. I don't care if shuddhi is more important to them than seeing your family starve before your very own eyes. I am also doing Shanti(prayers/rituals) work that my ancestors used to do. The setting is different. The way of offering prayers is different. My ancestors used to offer prayers with flowers and milk to Gods. I do so with my work. Yes…I am a Brahmin. I will always be a Brahmin. And God will accept me with both hands when I will knock heavens doors someday. Wont he??

I Love You

I love you
I wish you would only know

Every time I think of you
I don’t believe I love you so true

I may mean nothing to you
But my heart only beats for you

Since the day you touched my soul
My feelings have been out of control

With every breath I take now
I love you even more somehow

You are always on my mind and heart
Despite being so apart

In my dreams I see us together
And wonder why can’t this be our forever…

By Priyanka
I came to your city, but could not reach your heart,
I had always wanted my life, to be your life's part.
I have been destiny's child, going where life took me,
Yet you were that one person, whom forever I want to see.

I sit outside your door, hoping you would come out,
To see what I have become, in your love's draught.
Waiting for you to invite me into your life,
And be then my friend, lover and wife.

I know, in your love, I have become hungry and foolish,
And there is not much in life that I wish.
May be have a normal job or even own some farms,
But should have time to sit on a lake with you in my arms.

(Written by my friend Zaheer)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Come...

Come…Hold my hand
We’ll discover a new land
Where you’ll be only mine
Lost in our love so strong and divine

Come…Let’s walk in the rain
And wash off all fear and pain
Where each drop of rainfall
Will be our beautiful life’s call

Come…Let’s watch the sunrise
Together as we open our eyes
Where with each sparkling ray
Life will show us a bright new way

Come…Let’s get lost in each other’s eyes
As therein lies my paradise
Where with each and every moment passing
We’ll see and feel our love blossoming...

By Priyanka

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Love in my thoughts...

As a naïve young girl
Love meant different things to me
Did it lie in the smile someone brought on my face?
Was it the feel someone’s slight touch gave me then?
Was it that look someone gave me when our eyes met?
Was it ingrained in our little talks?
I found it difficult to decipher
My mind too simple to break that code
I thought it was love…
Time passed by and feelings remained in my heart
I hoped someday we would make a start
More time flew
And the little girl grew
And then she knew…
It wasn’t love!
No...it was not.

Why?
For later, she defined for herself…
Love is life
A connection of souls
A beautiful feeling shared
Someone holding your hand when you are scared
And when that special someone is near
You feel secure, you feel no fear
A sense of belonging
That care that longing
An unexplained urge
Feelings that surge
Its when you share that feeling
That life begins to find its meaning
The moment someone touches your heart
Its then that your life actually starts
I believe in that true love
Yes I do
Love...
So strong so pure
So childlike so mature
Love for which the entire life seems less
Does it exist?
I believe in it nevertheless
Yes…the kind that exists in fairy tales!

But still I made a resolve
And never gave love a chance to evolve
Why did I stay away from love?
Why?
Because…I feared love!
Yes…I did
I was scared of betrayal
I didn’t want to be hurt
So I closed my heart and shut my mind
And never gave them a chance to rewind
For I was waiting for that true love…
Yes…waiting…for that true love…

Again time passed away…
And then…
Like a beautiful sunrise
Life brought for me a lovely surprise
I was staying away from love,
All the time I thought
But I later realised,
It was the other way round!
Yes…it was love that stayed away from me
Oh oh…how could it be!

Then finally…
Love came into my life!
Ohh…
I felt chosen, I felt so blessed
It came in the most unexpected way
And brought along happiness, joy n gay
Its in the air, in the flowers, in the trees
Enchanting and refreshing like the summer breeze
As pure as a pearl
As soothing as mother’s touch
Its just out of this world!
It gives an amazing feeling
A sort of magical healing
Yes yes yes…
I am in love!

Yes…this is the true love I had been waiting for
My heart knows he is the one!
His love his care…
Oh…life is so fair!
His voice his smile…
Aah…life is so worthwhile!
I held his hand and walked in the rain…
Life is blissful…there is no pain
Every moment I dream of him
Every dream I live with him
I have imagined my whole life with him
Yes...I am in my own dreamland!

In my own dreamland??
Why? Isn’t it real?
Is it just my imagination?
My heart’s desire, my mind’s creation?
No no…I can’t let it go
I just want to tell him
How much I love him!
But…I can’t. I can’t.
Does that make my love less worthy?
Will it remain a dream forever?
Don’t tell me that!
No God…don’t! don’t!

By Priyanka

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A day in my life (Coming soon...)

Namaskaaram! Njan(Myself) Muthuswamy....Muthuswamy Nambudiri.

I came to Delhi with a distant cousin last year from Kerala in an attempt to find some odd jobs here and pull my family out of the claws of abject poverty it had got into. My father was a Mel Shanti(Chief Priest) at our local Bhagawathi temple in Krishnapuram. The menfolk of our Illam(home of Brahmins) were experts in Thantric(vedic and astrology bound) rites. It was not long back when our grandfathers used to practice rigid orthodoxy and sense of caste and purity (Shudham). We used to consider ourselves polluted by even the touch of other Brahmins[Embraan Shudham (by the touch of Tulu Brahmins), Eda Shudham (touch of Tamil Brahmins such as Iyer, Iyengar, Pattar which required us to bathe before resuming activities)], leave aside people from other caste. (*Nambudiri:Wikipedia)

Today, I share a shady little room in Mayur Sarai with Ibrahim, a Parsi guy who, like me, had come to the capital from Mangalapurram(Mangalore) in search of some job. You don’t fill your stomach by clinging on to old traditions and rituals. I would have been an outcaste in my Illam had I stayed with someone from the other caste back then. I still would be, provided I inform my father of the same. All kinds of Shuddhi rites will have to be performed before I get to lie down on my cot back home. For him rituals and traditions may precede an empty stomach, but not for me. He wont touch the money I sent back home after slugging it out in a small roadside South Indian restaurant picking up plates and cleaning tables. He would prefer to die and let the family suffer than accept this fate. He is happy to know that I am assisting a Mel Shanti(Chief Priest) at the Ayappa temple here. Let him remain happy. Let my family have two square meals a day, even if it’s on the expense of my lying……a cardinal sin for a Brahmin.

Catch me soon…Right here….As you live a day alongside me sharing my sorrows and happiness. See you soon. Ohhh…Table no. 4 is done with their meal. I have to pick up their plates and clean the table for the couple who is waiting…….Pinne Kaanaam Ketto(Will catch up later, Ok)

Monday, October 13, 2008

WHY??


A page from Chattu’s (Tarunesh Kr. Chatterjee/Batch 2005-07/SoM) personal diary

9th October, 2007 / Mumbai

It rained. It rained today. I could feel it. My soul bathed in it. Was it God’s way of washing away my tears? Tears that went unnoticed in the rain. Tears that never trickled when I was with you. Tears that swept away all the emotions and expectations I had painstakingly built block by block. Tears that finally found an outlet after being caged for what seemed like an eternity. Did I notice blood in them? Or was it mere illusion? Whatever, I could feel the pain within. I could peep within and see the dent that one single statement of yours had made in my heart. I could see blood oozing out of it. It is still raining. Why has God turned on the shower to let my wounds sting? What wrong had I done to deserve this?

Why did you seek love elsewhere when I left no stone unturned to let you know that you mean the world to me? Why did you not remember all the things I sacrificed for you when you decided to betray me? Was my love so weak that it didn’t mutter a single word when you were strangulating it in a strangers arm? Or had the stranger ceased being one? Why you keep on repeating the mistake over and over again? Why did you lie to me all this while? Why did you stay in touch with him even when you were with me? How could your conscience allow this? You made me realize that I was engulfed in an illusion all this while. I had weaved my future around this illusion. I had weaved my dreams around this illusion. I had weaved my life around this illusion. I had loved you in the purest form. Was this not what you wanted? Was it a physical relation you wanted? Was it the burden of expectations that my love demanded? Or was it something else? I would never know. I would never know what went lacking from my side. I would never know what it was that you wanted from me. I would never know whether you loved me at all or was it just the need to be with someone. Look at what you have done to me. Look at what that sorry has reduced me to. Will a mere sorry heal my broken heart? Will a mere sorry bring back the love you consciously decided to flush down the closet? Will a mere sorry bring back my lost sense of pride? Will a mere sorry help me not being reduced to a laughing stock in my group? Will a mere sorry help me not falling in my own eyes? Will a mere sorry erase all the thoughts of the stranger that have set home in your mind? Will a mere sorry guarantee an anytime stroll in the corridors of your mind I once owned? You said I was your gift and the best you could ever dream of. Was I? Was I ever? If yes, then why did you succumb to the temptation? You treasure your gifts, however small. You don’t throw them away when you see a bigger one.

Why didn’t you think that I will be reduced to a walking zombie for the rest of my life? Why didn’t you think that I will never be normal again? Why didn’t you give it a thought before succumbing? Why didn’t you realize that a no to him would have made my life so much colorful? Why did you do this to me in the first place? Was a two week whirlwind strong enough to lay to rest the tornado of emotions which you had for me? Why did you erase the words “Trust” and “Love” from my system forever? Why do I fear closing my eyes at night? Why do I dread recurring dreams of you haunting me all night? Why can’t I make myself believe that I no longer matter to you? Why can’t I get myself to believe that all of this is a bad dream? Why can’t I stop loving you despite you shooting me point blank? Why did you do it?

Why do I deserve to sleep when I can’t get rid of your memories? Why do I deserve to walk when I can’t take your hands in mine? Why do I deserve to love when the one I loved most threw me away? Why do I deserve to breathe when I can’t stop filtering out your smell from the surroundings? Why doesn’t this blood oozing out kill me despite you stabbing me time and again? Why do I deserve to live? Do I?

Chattu died a natural death one year later. He was only 25. The doctors never found out the cause of his death. They were clueless what caused his untimely death. Maybe the slow poison his body had started generating along with other fluids after that day took its toll. Maybe he never got over her. Maybe he chose not to get over her. Maybe he chose this fate. Maybe he was a fool. Maybe the fact that he was a cut above the rest when it came to out of the box thinking never mattered to him. Maybe the fact that he was seen as a rising star in his firm never mattered to him. Maybe the fact that he had the biggest circle of best friends never made any difference. Maybe his best friends never noticed his weeping heart all this while. Maybe he chose not to reveal that side to them. Maybe he wanted his image of the naughtiest of the batch to remain intact. Maybe he wanted his image of being a prankster and one who has a forever smile on his face to remain intact.

Maybe he is still looking at us from up there and saying, “I loved only once…And I loved her truly”